Living with clinical depression

[Spacemane969]

Please if anyone can relate feel free to share your thoughts/experiences.

I can't even count how many times I've felt like my tank was on fumes and I met the end of the road. It's exhausting after so many years/decade. I just can't stop thinking about flooring it into a tree with no seat belt. I've been getting therapeutic and psychiatric assistance for a long time but it's just not enough any more.

[gramicci101]

PM sent. Call me if you feel the need.

Edit: I'm free tomorrow as well. Not doing anything for Christmas, so you won't be disturbing me.

[UFO]

Not sure if this is the right place to be posting this, but I'm game .

I've never felt like I belong, I've never felt like I have a life, I just have an existence. I'm a mouth breather, I'm just using oxygen that could be better consumed by other 'normal' people. I'm not happy, I wake up every morning and wish that I hadn't. I don't like who I am and my relationships fail because I know I'm a piece of shit and how could I respect someone who wants to be with me?

There are things I enjoy: sex is one of them but - like I said previously - I have a hard time liking people who would want to have sex with someone as fucked up as me. I have met so many beautiful women who would have been an amazing partner but I always fucked it up because I felt like I didn't deserve them. And, to be honest, in the frame of mind I was in I really didn't deserve them. I also like cars, I track cars and enjoy that, I was kind of bummed when my Porsche 911 blew its engine on track but 8 years later I'm here with my FR-S back on track and I'm enjoying the shit out of it. Track days are helping me be happy, it's not just the adrenaline rush but it's also the people I meet. And you know the crazy thing, they seem to like me? Everybody has a different perspective of me than I have of myself, so maybe my perspective is the wrong one?

I have wanted to kill myself for the longest time but never did so because I did not want my parents to suffer. It got to the point where I resented my parents for still being alive. If they would just die then I could leave this place. But, surprisingly enough, I have made other connections along the way that would be difficult to break.

Tomorrow, Christmas day, I'm going to be all alone. I'll drink in excess again, just as I am doing now (I'm a borderline alcoholic). I'm not fixed, I'm still fucked up, but I'm still here. And you know what, there are people out there who will be glad that I'm still here, there are people whose lives would change for the worse if I killed myself. Is there someone in your life that will miss you if you were gone? If not, PM me, I'll be that person, we can be alone together on Christmas day.

[Spacemane969]

Originally Posted by UFO

Not sure if this is the right place to be posting this, but I'm game .

I've never felt like I belong, I've never felt like I have a life, I just have an existence. I'm a mouth breather, I'm just using oxygen that could be better consumed by other 'normal' people. I'm not happy, I wake up every morning and wish that I hadn't. I don't like who I am and my relationships fail because I know I'm a piece of shit and how could I respect someone who wants to be with me?

There are things I enjoy: sex is one of them but - like I said previously - I have a hard time liking people who would want to have sex with someone as fucked up as me. I have met so many beautiful women who would have been an amazing partner but I always fucked it up because I felt like I didn't deserve them. And, to be honest, in the frame of mind I was in I really didn't deserve them. I also like cars, I track cars and enjoy that, I was kind of bummed when my Porsche 911 blew its engine on track but 8 years later I'm here with my FR-S back on track and I'm enjoying the shit out of it. Track days are helping me be happy, it's not just the adrenaline rush but it's also the people I meet. And you know the crazy thing, they seem to like me? Everybody has a different perspective of me than I have of myself, so maybe my perspective is the wrong one?

I have wanted to kill myself for the longest time but never did so because I did not want my parents to suffer. It got to the point where I resented my parents for still being alive. If they would just die then I could leave this place. But, surprisingly enough, I have made other connections along the way that would be difficult to break.

Tomorrow, Christmas day, I'm going to be all alone. I'll drink in excess again, just as I am doing now (I'm a borderline alcoholic). I'm not fixed, I'm still fucked up, but I'm still here. And you know what, there are people out there who will be glad that I'm still here, there are people whose lives would change for the worse if I killed myself. Is there someone in your life that will miss you if you were gone? If not, PM me, I'll be that person, we can be alone together on Christmas day.

I'll be one of those people that were glad and grateful for you. You hit on so many of my problems it's a little scary, so many failed bonds with people and after losing so many times you realize there is a reason and it is you.

I've never drank before now but I just let myself go tonite.
My little 86 is the only thing keeping me occupied sometimes and tracking is something I NEED to go out and do.

Thank you guys, this is one of the most tight knit families over I have had the joy of coming across.

[gramicci101]

Drinking amplifies your emotions. If you're up, then you're really up. If you're down, then you get really down. Be careful with it.

[Spacemane969]

Originally Posted by gramicci101

Drinking amplifies your emotions. If you're up, then you're really up. If you're down, then you get really down. Be careful with it.

Thanks, didn't bother to check my med labels also but I feel alert now. I had a flair up a few months ago and took my 86 up to New York. I'm thinking I might take her out west tonite and see how far I can get in 2 days before work Tuesday.

[Ultramaroon]

I've found that getting out and doing just for the sake of doing really helps.

[wbradley]

When I see anybody having serious thoughts about self harm or possibly suicide I just hope that somehow someone recognizes the danger and gets that person some help, and eventually professional help.

Self deprecation and loathing is horrible, it's like having your worst enemy have their way with you.

Nobody's life is perfect, but we all conceal our issues differently. Some people use drugs or alcohol. Some find a diversion in life that also helps their overall condition with health/fitness. Or a hobby, preferably one that brings you in contact with othsrs, as this forum does.

Life is a precious irreplacble gift. Once you see.that things seem different.

Im just on my way to a Christmakkah meal with my inlaws. This damn time of year!

Best advice I can give is keep talking with people even if you feel isolated. Whenever, wherwver you can. Clerk at a coffee.shop, old lady next door, mailman, whoever you cross paths with. We all need each other to help find meaning in life.

Personally, I use weed as a crutch.

[JD001]

Originally Posted by Spacemane969

Thanks, didn't bother to check my med labels also but I feel alert now. I had a flair up a few months ago and took my 86 up to New York. I'm thinking I might take her out west tonite and see how far I can get in 2 days before work Tuesday.

Drive 2hours in the UK and you'll fall off our little island!! 2 days driving would be a joy!

[headlikeahole]

I've dealt with ups and downs like anyone else but never to either extreme. I cant say I've ever felt pure unfiltered joy or crushing depression. Sometimes I worry that I am in a constant state of indifference then I make a conscious effort to focus on the things that make me happy and lucky.


Ive been a police officer since 2009 now and Ive met every kind of mental illness there is. I have been to numerous suicide calls, from failed/successful attempts to people who are just down and need someone to talk to. What Ive learned over the years is that everyone has something to live for. My partner and I once talked a woman down simply by talking about her cat snowy for an hour. Everyone has a something or someone that is important to them and keeps them going. Its just a matter of keeping that positive energy going long enough to get out of that slump.

[MrFisty]

Originally Posted by Spacemane969

can't stop thinking about flooring it into a tree with no seat belt.

I hope I don't come off as discompassionate, but I want to be clear and upfront about this for the OP and anyone else reading.

Above, in bold, is a very clear statement of consideration (persistent, at that) of self harm/suicide.

I do understand living with clinical depression, and I understand it enough to know that a statement like this should be very alarming to anyone reading.

Though I understand living with this condition, I am not a medical professional. I do feel that non-professionals are a key part of living with this condition, but what you have said here indicates, to me, that you need to say this exact statement to your care provider ASAP if you have not already.

I am afraid that not much help may come through the computer screen. Apart from telling you what I've said above, I also recommend reading Post Secret (a website) every Sunday, when the new secrets come up. It helped me a lot years ago, and it is still therapeutic today.

[Spacemane969]

Originally Posted by headlikeahole

I've dealt with ups and downs like anyone else but never to either extreme. I cant say I've ever felt pure unfiltered joy or crushing depression. Sometimes I worry that I am in a constant state of indifference then I make a conscious effort to focus on the things that make me happy and lucky.


Ive been a police officer since 2009 now and Ive met every kind of mental illness there is. I have been to numerous suicide calls, from failed/successful attempts to people who are just down and need someone to talk to. What Ive learned over the years is that everyone has something to live for. My partner and I once talked a woman down simply by talking about her cat snowy for an hour. Everyone has a something or someone that is important to them and keeps them going. Its just a matter of keeping that positive energy going long enough to get out of that slump.

I had a police officer stop me years ago when I was having a spike just like this one. I was driving an old mercury Sable 20 over the limit and although I spoke almost no words, his calm and polite demeanor was enough to get me out of my own head for just one minute.

People like me are very grateful to public service individuals like yourself although you may not be able to recognize it all the time, I can guarantee that we do appreciate even little things you do.

[Spacemane969]

Originally Posted by MrFisty

I hope I don't come off as discompassionate, but I want to be clear and upfront about this for the OP and anyone else reading.

Above, in bold, is a very clear statement of consideration (persistent, at that) of self harm/suicide.

I do understand living with clinical depression, and I understand it enough to know that a statement like this should be very alarming to anyone reading.

Though I understand living with this condition, I am not a medical professional. I do feel that non-professionals are a key part of living with this condition, but what you have said here indicates, to me, that you need to say this exact statement to your care provider ASAP if you have not already.

I am afraid that not much help may come through the computer screen. Apart from telling you what I've said above, I also recommend reading Post Secret (a website) every Sunday, when the new secrets come up. It helped me a lot years ago, and it is still therapeutic today.

Not discompassionate at all. I have been seeing professionsals for more than a decade now and I really I am fortunate enough to have a couple close friends and an amazing, stable family which have kept me afloat this entire time. The part that gets so tricky is trying not to feel like a burden and keeping your thoughts to a minimum in conversation because their endless nature can quickly wear anyone out.

Originally Posted by wbradley

When I see anybody having serious thoughts about self harm or possibly suicide I just hope that somehow someone recognizes the danger and gets that person some help, and eventually professional help.

Self deprecation and loathing is horrible, it's like having your worst enemy have their way with you.

Nobody's life is perfect, but we all conceal our issues differently. Some people use drugs or alcohol. Some find a diversion in life that also helps their overall condition with health/fitness. Or a hobby, preferably one that brings you in contact with othsrs, as this forum does.

Life is a precious irreplacble gift. Once you see.that things seem different.

Im just on my way to a Christmakkah meal with my inlaws. This damn time of year!

Best advice I can give is keep talking with people even if you feel isolated. Whenever, wherwver you can. Clerk at a coffee.shop, old lady next door, mailman, whoever you cross paths with. We all need each other to help find meaning in life.

Personally, I use weed as a crutch.

Thank you. It's especially hard for me to deal with my down times because I have no crutches to lean on. I just constantly pound everything inwards until I break down and become hopeless. My fr-s has definitely been keeping me somewhat busy and satisfied but I realize that to truly overcome this disease it requires a lot of patience and a healthy body.
Hope you enjoyed your holiday, thanks for taking time to relate.

[wbradley]

Be well, friend.